
Ahhh, your family home. A place of happy, awkward childhood memories, meals that aren’t 24/7 instant ramen and fresh laundry courtesy of your parents/caregivers. Going home is stepping into a time capsule of past selves, like at aged four where you were convinced you’d be the next Mando-Pop superstar, discovering hairspray and side-fringes and ponytails aged ten, and the neverending meltdowns in your room between the ages of 12-18. I’m still waiting on the first aspiration, but I’m also relieved the days of questionable hair and teenage angst are long over (mostly).
Having moved to Manchester in 2015 for University, visiting home is like entering a time capsule of past selves. The other day I found a Groovy Chick hair- styling set from when I was ten and was immediately transported to when I burnt myself trying to curl my hair for the first time (it didn’t work). But visiting home as a 20-something also presents amusing challenges - your independence is (again) limited and ‘knocking before entering’ is a rule that no longer applies. So, having been back home for a month here’s a list of things I’ve realised when you’re back under your family roof.
Your bedroom will become the storeroom, and your teenage sister’s make-up collection will be a million times better than yours.
You’ll end up asking your sister to do your contour and highlight for you because teenagers today have better make-up skills than you ever will thanks to TikTok.
Your sister will judge you for wanting to learn TikTok dances.
Getting out of bed at 1 pm is a faux pas and your mother will look at you with her glasses lowered asking ‘what time do you call this?’
You will find your old diaries, cringe at yourself for thinking Alice* cheating on Jack* by holding hands with Tim* after 2 weeks of dating in Year 6 was the ‘betrayal of the century’.
The clothes you wore at 12 still fit because you’re a short-ass and haven’t grown since.
Lord forgive me for spending £20 on a bright pink Hollister vest top.
NEON LEGWARMERS?! REALLY?!
Your parents will suggest trying a new Malaysian restaurant only to talk about how they could ‘make it better for free’ for about the millionth time.
No-one will ever be a better cook than your mother.
Your mother will remind you no-one will ever be a better cook than her.
Hallelujah for a fridge that is constantly stocked.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY TUPPERWARES?!
Being reminded of how comforting the voices of 90s Canto-pop crooners are to your soul.
Your sister will finesse you into doing the dishes every time.
Your dad is really a ninja because his footsteps are silent and you will jump each time you turn around and see him behind you.
Your dad is just also just a superhero.
Coming home waved at 4 am will have your mother reminding you the next day that you barged into the living room yelling ‘I JUST LOVE MY HOUSE I LOVE MY BEDDDDD’. She loves it really, but will tell you you’re on an alcohol ban when your dad offers you a pint with dinner.
Your mum and sister will yell ‘I LOVE MY BED’ when you tell them you’re going out for a drink.
Your mum lives to embarrass you on your Girls Night Zoom calls.
You live to embarrass your sister on her Zoom calls (it’s a vicious cycle).
Your mum and sister will just take the piss out of you at any opportunity (it’s a very vicious cycle).
You’ll get yelled at for slamming the fridge doors and kitchen cupboards because you’ve become too accustomed to living in houses where things just don’t shut.
Even when you’re 23 and 17, videos of animatronics malfunctioning will never not be funny (refer to the video below at 12:03).
Laughing at said malfunctions at 2 am will result in your parents telling you to keep it down and that it’s past your bedtime.
The fear of getting into trouble with your parents never goes away.
Your Dad is always down for hugs, even if he doesn’t say it.
Your mum who has a blue belt in Tae Kwan Do has better reflexes than you and will demonstrate these reflexes on you in the name of teaching self-defence which you’ll actually find quite useful.
You will try to dye your hair like an e-girl and when the blonde turns green you will get laughed at by your entire family.
You will be reminded that you were a much nicer child when you looked like this:
Even if your family drive you up the wall, at the worst of times they’ll always be there to catch you when you fall.
*Names have been changed for identity protection, although I don’t actually remember who the real kids were.